Did you know there is a theory about fear? Even though the classic Murphy's law sounds practical, people often reinterpret it as "the more you fear it, the more it happens." Sounds scary and funny at the same time, right?

To me, it's more like manifesting the fear. I mean, that's how it works, isn't it? Your belief is what you manifest. Even in Islam, Allah is gonna be exactly who you believe him to be, give you what you believe he can grant. If you believe that there is something you want that you can't have, then you can't have it. He won't give you that, and vice versa.

It's scary sometimes how we are the ones who limit the blessings of our own lives.

Everyone has their own fear about life. And mine is "to be lonely". It came partly from life experiences and partly from how tired I am of feeling it. You know when loneliness becomes loud? When the room is full of people, yet not a single person actually cares, nor knows you well. All those people are there just because either they are family members or they get some kind of benefit from you.

And the loneliness starts to scream when it knows no one is there for you because they want to be, choosing you regardless of who you are, not because of any benefit or condition.

My whole life has been a series of those events. I'm 24 now, and at this point, I know it's not that much of a life. (Any elder would say that 🤷‍♀️). But I already stopped expecting. There is a different kind of weight to hope. So loneliness is what became my constant.

The acceptance of that, “I am enough to be in people's lives to meet their needs or expectations, but not enough to be in their lives as a constant. I'm not worth the risk to be chosen and have a place in the lives of the people I cherish.”

It's kind of hilarious in a sense, because that's the thing I have looked for all my life, and it's also something I feared. Instead, the question got printed in me, "can't I be valued the same way I do?"

The good thing is, I know my existence isn't tied to what others think. Still, I am a family person. And now, when I can see myself alone in the picture of the future, it gives me a reality check.

The nice thing about that image is that I chose myself. And the other reason why I see myself alone in that image is because nobody chose to be there with me, without any self-interest. Cause that's where I drew the boundary. I refuse to overgive in a place where I am getting zero effort back. Which, in a sense, is better for me. No fake people around me either.

Does that make me hate anyone? Not actually. Hating takes too much energy to spend on someone who doesn't give a dime about me.

At least I have myself. And honestly? That's not nothing.

loving yourself isn't selfish, it's important.